Figuring out life...slowly.

I feel life is either a grand adventure or a never-ending tunnel of doom. I am trying to find a middle. Somewhere.

Monday, February 22, 2010


I have complicated feelings about teaching. I don't know if I like it. In fact, most of the time, I am sure I hate it. On the other hand, I don't know anyone that likes teaching the first year. It is hard. It is frustrating. It has broken my heart.

I am a perfectionist. I have not allowed to myself to make a C since I was a sophomore in high school. If I am going to do something, I am going to be the best at it that I can be. When I started running, I sucked. I hired trainers and worked on improving my runs. Now, I am not great but I am better.

I suck at teaching. I have fourteen kids failing my class and they are taking up space until they can drop out. I have kids that want to have me because I am easy. I have kids falling asleep and kids that think "The Lottery" is about someone winning pot in the lottery and getting stoned. No, it's about a woman winning a lottery and getting stoned. To death. With real stones. Obviously, I am not the best. I am not even better. I am at the bottom of the teaching totem pole. And it sucks.

I don't really know what I want. I want a baby. I want a master's degree and a doctorate. I want to get married to the guy I love. I want to take care of him and him take care of me. I want to write for a living. I want to run every day on my own time instead of fitting it in. I want to spend more time with my kids and not be exhausted and emotionally worn-out every day. I want more time to read and to enjoy life instead of lesson planning and grading and worrying and filling out bullshit forms. I want to rule my world instead of my world ruling me. I want to know why I am not happy. I should be happy. I worked four fucking years to get my teaching degree and.....and....this is it? UGH!

Notice I don't want to be a better teacher. Notice I don't want a further degree in education. Notice I don't want to be by myself.

I'm screwed. Why am I almost 35 and totally confused about my life? When do you ever know what you want? Why isn't teaching my thing? I really thought it was....

UGH! Good thing I am seeing a psychiatrist. Maybe he can help me stop thinking and obsessing and drawing up plans that are like the leaning tower of Pisa. Maybe he can teach me to just be....and be content.

No comments:

Post a Comment